For a while, I gave up.
And I’m still thinking of giving up, at least until I somehow find the resources I need to get the medications I need to control my fibromyalgia and depression. I don’t want this blog, which is supposed to be about my writing, to turn into just a space to rant about how awful I feel life is some days. Because life would NOT be awful if I were capable of seeing it through a realistic lens, not one distorted and tinted dark by a stupid lack of the right chemical proportions in my brain.
It’s become increasingly clearer that I am not going to be able to make money from writing when I have no interest or motivation to produce more written work. I have no focus. I have no interest in anything that used to excite or inspire me. The hours that I don’t spend searching for a job (one that will pay for the not-cheap meds I need in order to overcome this crap and keep said job long term) are spent staring at the computer screen almost blankly, not caring about a single damn thing in the world. Writing used to be an outlet, my therapy, my one love that I never lost in spite of everything else… but now it feels gone too, lost to the soul-sucking void of depressive apathy.
THIS IS NOT OKAY.
I’m not okay. But at least I can still see that for myself, which means I can get help.
So until I’m okay, or a lot closer to it than I am right now, it looks like I’m on another hiatus. I sort of was anyway, but this is the official statement. I need to gather up what little focus I do have and direct it all at fighting the fight. Stressing over updating my blog? Not high on the need-to-do-this-to-be-okay-again priority list. I just don’t have enough spoons to spend.
I wish I could give you a time frame. I wish I could say it’s only going to be a week, two weeks, a month, two months. The truth is, it could be a lot longer than that. But I can promise this: when I can feel more than sub-human again? I will be back. And those changes and features I want to do will come with me.
Love you all. See you on the other side of this stormy night.
I have more LTUE posts coming; I’m just getting them polished up. In the meantime, I’d like to take a moment and talk about what I want to do here in the next couple of weeks.
I haven’t updated this blog as regularly as I might like, because I write when an idea for something to talk about hits me. If you follow me on Facebook then you might recall that not too long ago, I asked what people might want to see from my blog. From that short list, I’ve started to develop a list of regular features that I want to do. I’m going to be implementing these changes and probably updating the way the blog looks once I’ve finished my LTUE write-ups.
But before I do that, I want to give everyone who might not follow me on Facebook a chance to weigh in as well. What do you want to hear me talk about? What do you want to see in terms of content? I’ve updated my current poll page with a contact form. You can even be completely anonymous if you like. You can also leave a comment on this post.
Here’s what I’ve got so far for regular feature ideas:
Life, the Universe, and Everything 32 was pretty awesome. I really enjoyed the panels that I attended. Some felt like refresher courses in things I already knew about writing (which is not a bad thing), some were informative, and others, like the readings I attended, were simply fun. In between, I got to do some networking and hang out with cool people. Right now I’m just going to tell you which panels and presentations I went to. Later I’m going to touch on some of the things I got out of each day that were most relevant to me.
IT WAS AWESOME.
That is all.
Seriously, though, I just got home from Life, the Universe, and Everything. I got a lot of good ideas, got to attend some pretty good panels, met some pretty awesome people and renewed connections with other awesome people I met last year. Yes, I had a couple of fangirl moments, but I think I managed to mostly keep them to myself instead of making a fool of myself.
I have a lot to process.
And that processing might include setting projects aside for new ones. It definitely includes a spark that I hope turns into a blaze of motivation that will get me back into university. There’s a lot to do in order to make that happen, but now that I finally know what I want my degree in, instead of spinning my wheels majoring in changing majors, it’s time to go do it. (That will be a post of its own because I have a lot to say on the matter.)
Right now I’m still in overloaded-brain mode, but tomorrow I’m not going to be able to get out of bed. I overdid my physical limits a little and the fibromyalgia is letting me know it. Tomorrow sounds like a very good day to get some blogging done, yes?
Life, the Universe, and Everything 32 is this weekend. I’m excited. I’ll be heading out here in a few minutes.
I’ll probably be tweeting more than blogging over the next few days (not that this is anything new) but I guarantee that I’m going to have a lot of racing thoughts and good ideas.
And maybe next year I can be a participant and not just an attendee, right?
I have to blame this post on Tor.com for getting me started on a massive distraction.
Now, it’s not really a distraction from the Soldaris project, as the map that I currently have isn’t an accurate enough depiction of the world geography that I have in my head. I am very pleased with the way the map I made a year and a half ago looks, but it’s not the right map for this world (I will be saving it for another project, though, I think.)
I would be lying if I said I hadn’t tried to make maps to go with earlier ideas that I had while in high school and college and whatnot. But they weren’t good maps. Then, about two and a half years ago, I took a physical geography class at university. I’ll be completely and brutally honest here: I took it because it was the easiest lab science class possible that the university offered, and I needed another one for progress toward my degree. (I love science. Love, love, love it. What I don’t love is all the math that goes along with some of it.) Little did I know that it would open my eyes up to a world of possible worlds and more effective world-building, or that I would develop quite an interest in the subject. Nor did I think that it would set off a passion (albeit rarely indulged) with creating maps for my worlds.
I’m discovering that maps, as much as books, go through multiple revisions. This is, thankfully, a little easier with digital construction via Photoshop or the like.
So I know I’ve been quiet lately, trying to finish this book at a record pace before LTUE.
I’ve stalled out a little bit on that. I’m not going to deny it.
BUT. I’m going to be taking advantage of being stalled out to catch up on some blogging that I’ve been neglecting. I’ve got bookmarks galore of articles and topics that I want to talk about. Some of them are silly. Some of them are serious. But I’m excited about them all.
This is going to be fun.