So I’ve discovered the flaw in Spoon Theory, especially for those of us who only have two or three spoons to spend every day to begin with. The problem with Spoon Theory is that society in general insists on your spoons for the day being spent in a certain way, not necessarily on the things that you deem important to personal growth, stability, and happiness.
Things that have taken up my spoons lately:
- Getting laid off and looking for another day job because apparently writing isn’t a “real job” (I hate that myth; I’m going to have to address it later…) and I have bills to pay.
- Starting to put together a garage sale to get all my crap out of my mother’s basement/garage
- My health/depression lurking like a tiger in the dark waiting to sabotage me at every turn, and trying to keep myself cheered up enough to keep the tiger at bay
- Desperate need of dental work and not enough money to do anything about it because things just keep coming up that use up whatever I’ve saved, so it adds to the health stress
- Looking for a place to move because I can’t stay where I am now come August 1st
- Trying to decide where to move to, if I want to stay here near family or go elsewhere to where the more “lucrative” (read= at least a dollar over minimum wage) jobs are, even though either way I can’t afford to move to where I really want to be.
- Paying out the nose (with what money?) for state licensing when I’ve already paid plenty for training and testing so that I can do a job that I already know I really don’t want to do for more than a year.
Yes, these are all things that society/family/etc. tell me need to be done. And yes, I do need a source of income. I won’t deny that. But these are the things I’d rather be spending my spoons on:
- Writing. In any form that might make me money, and for the joy of it, too. I want to be able to never have to “work” again a day in my life, because I love what I do that much.
- Renewing my creativity. I started The Artist’s Way a couple of months ago… but I haven’t felt like I’ve had the spoons to spend on it with everything else that I’m supposed to be spending my spoons on according to societal norms.
- Exercising. I just don’t have the energy, and even though I know I’d get more if I was exercising regularly, I can’t find the seed of energy I need to even start.
- Getting closer to my children who live with my Ex in another state, instead of wasting time here trying to “save up” when things keep coming up to drain my meager savings (i.e. dental work, car repairs, etc.)
And you know, maybe I’m just complaining. Maybe I’m just so stressed out by this society’s emphasis on having money in order to do anything that I’m lashing out. I’m poor, dirt poor, with a five-figure student loan debt that has done nothing for me. I won’t whine about the politics involved in that, since this isn’t a political blog. I’m just saying that things are enough to make that light at the end of the tunnel very dim or even non-existent, and it’s very difficult to see things getting better. I’m so discouraged right now.
I could really use some help. Keep me in your thoughts, everyone?