For a while, I gave up.
And I’m still thinking of giving up, at least until I somehow find the resources I need to get the medications I need to control my fibromyalgia and depression. I don’t want this blog, which is supposed to be about my writing, to turn into just a space to rant about how awful I feel life is some days. Because life would NOT be awful if I were capable of seeing it through a realistic lens, not one distorted and tinted dark by a stupid lack of the right chemical proportions in my brain.
It’s become increasingly clearer that I am not going to be able to make money from writing when I have no interest or motivation to produce more written work. I have no focus. I have no interest in anything that used to excite or inspire me. The hours that I don’t spend searching for a job (one that will pay for the not-cheap meds I need in order to overcome this crap and keep said job long term) are spent staring at the computer screen almost blankly, not caring about a single damn thing in the world. Writing used to be an outlet, my therapy, my one love that I never lost in spite of everything else… but now it feels gone too, lost to the soul-sucking void of depressive apathy.
THIS IS NOT OKAY.
I’m not okay. But at least I can still see that for myself, which means I can get help.
So until I’m okay, or a lot closer to it than I am right now, it looks like I’m on another hiatus. I sort of was anyway, but this is the official statement. I need to gather up what little focus I do have and direct it all at fighting the fight. Stressing over updating my blog? Not high on the need-to-do-this-to-be-okay-again priority list. I just don’t have enough spoons to spend.
I wish I could give you a time frame. I wish I could say it’s only going to be a week, two weeks, a month, two months. The truth is, it could be a lot longer than that. But I can promise this: when I can feel more than sub-human again? I will be back. And those changes and features I want to do will come with me.
Love you all. See you on the other side of this stormy night.