For a while, I gave up.
And I’m still thinking of giving up, at least until I somehow find the resources I need to get the medications I need to control my fibromyalgia and depression. I don’t want this blog, which is supposed to be about my writing, to turn into just a space to rant about how awful I feel life is some days. Because life would NOT be awful if I were capable of seeing it through a realistic lens, not one distorted and tinted dark by a stupid lack of the right chemical proportions in my brain.
It’s become increasingly clearer that I am not going to be able to make money from writing when I have no interest or motivation to produce more written work. I have no focus. I have no interest in anything that used to excite or inspire me. The hours that I don’t spend searching for a job (one that will pay for the not-cheap meds I need in order to overcome this crap and keep said job long term) are spent staring at the computer screen almost blankly, not caring about a single damn thing in the world. Writing used to be an outlet, my therapy, my one love that I never lost in spite of everything else… but now it feels gone too, lost to the soul-sucking void of depressive apathy.
THIS IS NOT OKAY.
I’m not okay. But at least I can still see that for myself, which means I can get help.
So until I’m okay, or a lot closer to it than I am right now, it looks like I’m on another hiatus. I sort of was anyway, but this is the official statement. I need to gather up what little focus I do have and direct it all at fighting the fight. Stressing over updating my blog? Not high on the need-to-do-this-to-be-okay-again priority list. I just don’t have enough spoons to spend.
I wish I could give you a time frame. I wish I could say it’s only going to be a week, two weeks, a month, two months. The truth is, it could be a lot longer than that. But I can promise this: when I can feel more than sub-human again? I will be back. And those changes and features I want to do will come with me.
Love you all. See you on the other side of this stormy night.
I’m about 3k words behind as of writing here this morning. Right now, the fact that I am behind and need to catch up is one of the few things in my life that makes any sense to me, so it’s a good thing to focus on. The best news is that I have all day to catch up, and that time includes a nice, quiet write-in at the local library.
I know I haven’t said much here in a few days. Right now I am going through the worst flare-up of fibromyalgia that I have ever had, and dealing with a lot of emotional pain going on in my personal life. I’ve been trying to conserve my spoons (see spoon theory), and so a lot of things (like blogging) have fallen by the wayside. I’m slowly starting to feel better and getting back into the routines I’ve been trying to make for myself. Would still like to curl up in a ball for a week and then try to deal with everything, but that would be too much like admitting defeat, I think, and I don’t have that luxury.
So wish me luck in getting through the next ten days. Both my mental and physical health are trying to turn against me right now and I refuse to let it happen without a fight.
Okay, so I got way too busy and stressed with this needing-to-job-hunt thing to reach my goal for Camp Nanowrimo’s July session.
November is coming. And more than that:
Sometimes it disturbs me how accurate my horoscope can be for something that I only even look at to get a laugh… I do believe that this goes hand in hand with the way that I was whining about spoon theory and feeling out of control and powerless yesterday.
If you feel that your life lacks some discipline right now, then that’s a sure sign that it does! It’s not such a big deal to have a messy car or bedroom, but the clutter around you is getting a little bit out of hand in other areas of your life — and it’s starting to bother you too much. So today, spend some time putting order back into your world. Cleaning is a mindless task, but by being that way it gives you a chance to let your mind wander and clear itself out, too.
Going to a Brandon Sanderson book signing today. After that? Time to sit down and make an assessment of what might be cluttering things up and stealing spoons from me when I’m not looking. Yes, my room could probably use a good straightening, and bathrooms always need cleaning. But the mental housecleaning might be far more important today.
(And while I’m cleaning out the brain, maybe I’ll be able to get Weird Al’s voice out of there, too…)
So I’ve discovered the flaw in Spoon Theory, especially for those of us who only have two or three spoons to spend every day to begin with. The problem with Spoon Theory is that society in general insists on your spoons for the day being spent in a certain way, not necessarily on the things that you deem important to personal growth, stability, and happiness.
Things that have taken up my spoons lately: (more…)
This is long overdue, but now that I’ve gotten some things sorted out in my life, I can get back to where I was before chaos happened. I’m just glad that I took some pretty good notes at Life, the Universe, and Everything, because I don’t have a lot of reliable memory of the last five months. I’m not going to post my notes word for word, since a lot of it is the intellectual property of others. What I am going to do here is talk about what I took away from the panels and events I attended.